


burden

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Lack of Communication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Pain, References to Depression, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Separation Anxiety, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29580327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: dream disassociatesHe wants his friends so badly it hurts.It makes him weak.Needy.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56
Collections: Fanfic Anonymous





	burden

**Author's Note:**

> TW for: disassociation, derealization co-dependency as well as plenty of self loathing 
> 
> If you're in a bad place don't read

Dream felt his stomach drop, he'd probably never eat again. His body coursed with unexplained nerves and somewhere deep in his gut it felt like a black hole was crushing his insides and only constricting his every movement more and more.  
  
Of course, none of it was literal. He wasn't sick. At least not physically. The anxiety was demanding. It left nothing of himself. If this kept up he'd upheave every morsel of food he had managed to eat this morning.  
  
His eyes swam without clarity, the odd fog that had consumed his attention was quickly working to diminish every sense. First had been trust, then desire to eat, now his focus and finally... he could feel his emotions ebbing away. Everything was at once too much, not enough and while he cared immensely he couldn't bring himself to care at all.  
  
Before the void in his empathy had arrived he tried to send thinly veiled messages of help. His friends hadn't picked up on them. He didn't blame them. Something was wrong and he didn't know what. He could feel everything's importance fading away. He hated it. But he didn't care. He was fine.  
  
Earlier he had joined a group call, just a few people on the smp. They had greeted him. Dream greeted them back. He was drowning. They kept talking and ocassionally he would find himself answering, making conversation without even realizing. It was like he was running on automatic, just a series of code programmed into his being to be Fine. Sapnap had asked him if he was alright.  
  
Dream had blinked.  
  
When had Sapnap gotten there?  
  
With a sinking feel of dread he had realized they were the only two left in the chat. His heart pounded harshly against his chest, trying to escape. The thrum hurt, it squeezed every muscle in his abdomen.  
  
He hadn't wanted to talk to Sapnap.  
  
"Dude, you were sitting here in the call _alone_. What were you do-"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Woah. Okay, clearly you're not fine. What the hell's the matter with you, Dream?"  
  
The words had been spoken with care and a gentleness not frequently found in Sapnap's voice, but all Dream heard was disgust.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
He had insisted, he had given up on trying to convince himself, he could only fool others.  
  
But really, it _was_ nothing, right? This overwhelming feeling of absolute dread and enrapturing nothingness had come from nowhere. It was his fault. Just a stupid build up of things that he should've been smarter to avoid. Stronger to deal with alone.  
  
Somewhere long ignored, neglected, shunned from being fed; a part of him was hanging off of Sapnap's every word. Hearing his voice was beyond comforting, it was intoxicating. It scared him. The nothingness inside waned for a moment as he let Sapnap's care wash over him.  
  
Dream felt tears prick his eyes. He'd missed him.  
  
He quickly shoved the destructive fucking thought away. They'd known each other forever, Sapnap needed his own time, not Dream getting in his way and constantly asking for attention. He couldn't do that to his friend.  
  
He would ignore the little voice screaming out to tell Sapnap he loves him and instead tune into the more stable voice demanding that he grows stronger, stops being so reliant and needy all the god damn time. He couldn't expect his friends to answer on his whim and his needs, they were incredible people living their lives and didn't deserve his wrath or anxiety when they didn't answer.  
  
Sapnap hadn't spoken. Or had he missed it?  
  
"...Alright man, just... Just know that I'm here for you, right?"  
  
The former then.  
  
"You can come to me anytime."  
  
He wouldn't.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
There was an echo drenched in concern and uncertainty. It sickened Dream.  
  
His eyes felt dry and he marveled how quickly they could go from watering up to stinging from the slightest brush of air from the bitter lack of moisture.  
  
"Bye Sap, I love you."  
  
Dream disconnected before Sapnap could say anything.  
  
His words felt fake and again his chest tightened as guilt and nerves washed over him again. Why did the words feel so ingenuine? He meant every syllable, his friends kept him groundedーSapnap most of all.  
  
_Weak._  
  
His mind seemed to have the answer for him.  
  
_A burden._  
  
It kept going.  
  
_Pathetic._  
  
He realized he was just staring blankly at discord, unmoving. Sapnap was gone from the call. There were no new messages.  
  
Forcing himself into motion he clicked dms and found himself immediately regretting the action.  
  
It had opened his messages with George.  
  
It made sense.  
  
Dream had messaged him last after all.  
  
His head spun as his own words attacked him, a moment of weakness he couldn't undo.  
  
Last night had been a mess.  
  
Karl, George, Bad and Sapnap had invited him to call. He declined as a pain in the back of his eyelids furthered. He was exhausted. He had been wildly unproductive and had nothing to show for his existence over the past four days aside from a concerncinly small amount of half eaten take out boxes. His stomach gnawed on him, but his mind weighed heavier.  
  
He declined to turn his attention to the video he was editing. The next man hunt. They were long, but they were fun and rewarding and exhausting. After the high came the low. He would find himself missing the banter, hearing the voices and hiding away.  
  
Editing just made him realize how fine they were without him, _against_ him. It was just a game, but his self destructive spiral took advantage of the pain.  
  
The video was grating his nerves, making him jealous, enraged, guilty; _tired_. His voice had been dull and lackluster as he joined the call for five seconds to say hi and decline.  
  
He pressed connect.  
  
"Oh? Who joined?"  
  
"DREAM!!!"  
  
"Oh, hi Dream! I thought you said you weren't joining us?"  
  
_They don't want you here._  
  
"I'm not, I just..." he hesitated "wanted to say hi."  
  
If his voice sounded as broken as he felt, no one said a thing. His heart tugged painfully. Had no one noticed? It was fine. It wasn't their place to notice.  
  
"Aww okay, well have fun you muffinhead!"  
  
"We'll miss you!"  
  
"I won't."  
  
George's voice was teasing. It always was. He could imagine the beautiful smile filling his face as he said the damaging words. It hurt.  
  
"Geeooorrggeee!" Dream whined playfully. Acting like his heart wasn't in shambles, like he wasn't on the verge of breaking down. He had a part to play afterall. Really, all he could trust himself to manage to say was his name. Anymore and his voice would crack. His pain would show. They would know.  
  
There was laughter. It rang in his ears like the aftermath of a bomb. He'd stood too close. It had been a mistake to join. He felt himself choking. As he struggled for air, he realized this time it wasn't just metaphorical. He forced his breathing to calm down enough to get out a few tight words.  
  
"I gotta go-" his voice sounded strange, even to himself. It wasn't right. He cursed himself.  
  
No one said a thing about it.  
  
His stomach twisted in knots.  
  
Various goodbyes were exchanged and he hit the disconnect button with a forceful desperation.  
  
He'd never wanted to be with his friends so badly than now. He wanted to run.  
  
He let a numb blankness fill his mind as he returned to editing. He kept the sound muted unless absolutely having to listen. Each joke struck him like a knife.  
  
George's words rang in his ears.  
  
_I won't._  
  
It was 4 hours later when Dream finally finished and found Sapnap and George still in the call. He let himself ease up. He felt the beginnings of a smile sneak onto his face. He could finally join them and relax a little. All he had to do was post it in the morning, right now he wanted nothing more than to hear the sweet melody of his friend's voices. He joined.  
  
"DREAM!!!"  
  
"Dream? Ew, who invited him back."  
  
The brief flicker of happiness drained in an instant.  
  
Dream laughed.  
  
"I did, idiot. I finished editing and wanted to hang."

It wasn't exactly a lie.  
  
George made a noise of disinterest.  
  
The lack of attention hurt more than the jokingly hurtful words.  
  
  
"Anyway, Sapnap, I'm still right."  
  
"No way in hell!"  
  
Dream awkwardly lingered. They'd moved on so quick. What were they talking about? He didn't care. He wouldn't ask. That'd be intrusive.  
  
He stayed quiet.  
  
George and Sapnap bickered on. Every now and then Dream would comment; make a tiny input and go back to his place. To them it probably seemed like he was multitasking, maybe even busy doing something. 

He was doing nothing but watching their icons flicker a happy back and forth of green.  
  
George gave a small yawn, breaking the flow of the conversation.  
  
At Sapnap's mocking giggle, he snapped.  
  
"Shut it, Sappy nappy. I'm _sleepy_."  
  
Dream cued in, jumping on to the words faster than he'd ever moved before in his life. "You should go to bed then!" Teasingly he added, "Goodnight, George."  
  
George let out a disgruntled complaint.  
  
"No way. I wanna do something."  
  
"But you're _sleepy_."  
  
"I don't wanna sleep."  
  
"George, just go to bed. For me? Please?" His last words had been his downfall, really he was only setting himself up for failure.  
  
The response wasn't even surprising.  
  
" _No._ " George was sounding annoyed now. Like he didn't care that Dream had put himself on the line.  
  
"I. Don't. Want. To."  
  
"Please, Georgie I'll cry if you don't." Dream pleaded in a joking tone, though his facade was quickly fading. He felt sick with himself. Wasn't this manipulation? He wasn't the villain he pretended to be on the server. He wasn't.  
  
"I said no, Dream." George's voice was exasperated. It made Dream flinch, wanting to back pedal and apologize for his words, for his annoyingness.  
  
"Fine, then. Goodnight, George!" He said overtly happy.  
  
"No, you-"  
  
He forced George to disconnect.  
  
When Sapnap clued in to what was happening, he burst out laughing.  
  
"Oh my god, did you just disconnect him?!"  
  
Sapnap was cackling like a madman.  
  
George joined back and Sapnap only laughed harder.  
  
"Dream, you prick-"  
  
"Goodnight, George. Say it back." 

Nothing.  
  
"Say it back!" His voice was getting mean, he could tell. George's silence was deafening.  
  
Dream pressed disconnect.  
  
The grimace etching itself onto his face felt like poison.  
  
Sapnap was still laughing.  
  
George didn't join back after that. Dream quickly chased after him, following him up in the text channels.  
  
Dream: Go to sleep okay? <3  
Dream: george?  
Dream: I'll ignore you for a day if you dont sleep  
Dream: george???  
Dream: george please go to sleep :(  
Dream: george??  
Dream: PLEASE DONT JUST IGNORE ME  
Dream: GEORGE  
Dream: please I only disconnected you because you were sleepy, please please go to bed  
  
No one else sent a single message back.  
  
Sapnap was humming some song Dream couldn't care less about. His anxiety was skyrocketing. George was mad wasn't he. Dream felt disgusted by his own messages as he looked back and saw nothing but petty selfishness and cruel manipulation. He didn't deserve George as a friend. He didn't deserve George at all.  
  
George's online status never wavered.  
  
No messages were ever sent.  
  
Sapnap said something about going to go say hi to Quackity's stream and deafened after a small noise of acknowledgment from Dream.  
  
His eyes never left George's profile picture.  
  
It wasn't enough.

George was probably furious, hated his guts. Terror gripped him. He had to make things right. He loved George, he didn't want this to be the way they left things. Not before trying to sleep.  
  
Dream disconnected and sent a quick message telling Sapnap he left to go sleep himself. He winced as he took in the timeー7:08AM  
  
Dream went to the chat between he and George.  
  
Dream: George please go to sleep I'm sorry I disconnected you  
Dream: I didnt mean to make you feel left out  
Dream: you said you were sleepy and I just wanted you to take of yourself  
Dream: I love you so much and I just want you to take care of yourself, if not for me then _please_ for _you_  
Dream: i care about you so much and i just want you to treat yourself properly  
Dream: I was an ass and went about trying to get you to go to bed really badly  
Dream: i love you  
Dream: im sorry  
  
George's status went offline.  
  
  
Dream's mood, if it was shitty before was now in the gutters. Panic and stress and overwhelming anxiety mashed like some ugly monster in his head. It was a black mass that scratched his eyes, ripped his stomach to shreds and bled out every ounce of care he had left.  
  
He was left with panic, fear that he had ruined one of the few good things in his life. It would never repair.  
  
The monster whispered sweet nothings as it ripped off his ears. It spoke of friends abandoning him if he didn't stop being so involved. It coaxed him into a confident belief that he was the fault. He was the weak link. How could he be enough? Why did anyone like him? 16 million followers and not a single one knew him. He imagined an imaginary being, a figure of light and grace that smiled gently at him, that understood him and held him close as it whispered that everything would be alright. The monster tore the image to pieces. It was a lie. A figment. No one would ever understand.  
  
His hands were trembling as he called Sapnap. The monster hissed in protest, it ridiculed him and threatened to eat his fingers. He clicked.  
  
The call rang twice before he was met with an almost immediate rejection. It was followed up with a barrage of angry messages.  
  
Sapnap: GOD  
Sapnap: FUCK  
Sapnap: what the hell?  
Sapnap: Dream don't call me out of the blue.

He felt an unpleasant chill wrack his body. It left him curled up and more hateful than ever.

Hateful at himself.

Dream: sorry  
Sapnap: seriously don't just call without warning  
Sapnap: jesus  
Dream: my finger slipped im sorry man  
Sapnap: it's fine.  
  
Dream disconnected.  
  
The monster rejoiced. He was being impaled with red hot metal stakes. His moments of weakness were pathetic. He felt sick with himself. Why had he sent all those disgusting things to George? And why hadn't he sent something more? Why had he called Sapnap?  
  
They didn't want to be bothered.  
  
They couldn't be bothered with him.  
  
It was understandable. His mood was off and he felt like every word was one tiny little nudge away from pushing him off an edge he couldn't see the bottom of. He wasn't in any position for making good conversation or being a good friend.  
  
He needed his friends so badly it hurt.  
  
He didn't deserve them.  
  
He slammed his laptop down and stormed to his bed. He ran from the monster and under the covers, he pressed his eyes to his pillow not wanting to see, feel or hear anymore. He wanted nothing. He craved nothingness. He had ruined everything and just wanted an out.  
  
There were no do overs.  
  
Sleep didn't come to him. His futile attempts to soothe his burning eyes with the cool material of his pillow had failed. They stung with unshed tears and a bitter dryness that felt deserved.  
  
Every minute awake in his bed was spent staring up at nothing as he let thoughts go. He tuned his own brain out to listen to nothing but the monster curling tighter and tighter around his throat.  
  
_George hates you._  
  
_Sapnap despises you._  
  
_George never wants to talk to you again._  
  
_Sapnap said he wanted to talk after the stream, why did he reject the call?_  
  
_He hates you._  
  
_He hates me?_  
  
_He hates me._  
  
_He hates me._  
  
_After what you did to George, can you blame him?_  
  
Dream wanted so desperately to just ease into the sweet release of sleep. The monster laughed. He was mercy to its whims now. The ugly thing inside him was free to do as it pleased. Dream could hardly bring himself to care.  
  
The monster kept its taunting up long after annoyingly loud doves outside cooed and the bright afternoon sun  
  
He checked discord and his heart dropped.  
  
There was still nothing from George.  
  
He hesitated before letting his fingers type out another message. He already hated himself for it before hitting send.  
  
Dream: I hope you slept well <3  
George: I'm sorry for being so stubborn  
George: ily2  
Dream: :DDD 

The monster left after that.

It left behind a deep abscess oozing a numb apathy, but George's words were plenty enough distracting to not focus on the lingering toxins.  
  
After posting the video he looked back to his dms to see nothing new received. Feeling emboldened by George's apology, he sent a message.  
  
Dream: hey guess what  
  
Dream: you're amazing and you're wonderful and I love you and I'm really happy you're in my life  
  
He forced himself not to feel dismayed when he checked back after a pretty poor excuse of trying to eat lunch nearly two hours later. Almost six hours after George's apology.  
  
His mind was already overthinking things before he could stop it.  
  
George had been online this whole time. There's no way he hadn't seen Dream's messages.  
  
Was he being ignored?  
  
At the very least George usually answered his dumb messages of appreciation with ones of his own or affectionate "you idiot"s

They talked _constantly._

This wasn't normal.  
  
With every passing minute, Dream grew less and less certain that his apologies had been accepted.  
  
The panic from earlier was seeping back in, but now heightened by the lack of sleep and the added stress from whatever he had fucked up with Sapnap as well.  
  
He nearly spiraled further when he caught a notification in the corner of his eye.  
  
Sapnap was streaming. His chest lightened a fraction of an inch, maybe this would be the distraction he'd desperately been searching for since he had dragged himself out of bed.  
  
"That's not what you said about this game last night!"  
  
He had missed the first half of the conversation, but George was talking about whatever game Sapnap was playing.  
  
Except, Dream had been on call with them last night. They hadn't played this game then.  
  
George hadn't slept.  
  
Sapnap had been on call with him after Dream tried to call. That was probably why he declined. Been so angry-  
  
Dream left the stream without saying a word. No one knew he was ever there. He freed them from the burden.

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe if I ever manage to get into a better headspace I'll write some follow up fluff.
> 
> right now everything hurts.


End file.
